Dead To Me

big·ot  (bgt)

n.

One who is strongly partial to one's own group, religion, race, or politics and is intolerant of those who differ.

It has been a while since I last posted a blog.  I wish I could writing with a more positive update, but sadly that is not the case.  A terrible act of bigotry was committed against me over the weekend.  It came from my "brother"-in-law.  He is no brother of mine.  He has no place in my family.  I do not tolerate bigotry, especially when it is directed at me personally.  Going forward in this blog, I will only reference him as my sister's husband.

I was asked by my oldest sister to babysit her three-year-old daughter for two weeks while she goes to work.  I agreed to do so, as she offered to pay me for it.  On Sunday evening, prior to the Monday I was to start babysitting my niece, I received a message from my mother.  She informed me that I no longer had to worry about watching my niece.  What is the reason?  My sister's husband said that he didn't trust me.  Why?  He believes that with me being a transgender individual I will molest his child.  WHAT??!!!

As you might image, this completely absurd accusation really set me off.  How dare this "man" accuse me of such a terrible thing?  I would never harm a child.  I ventured out of my bedroom to confront this prejudiced bigotry.  I got into a shouting match with this piece of scum.  His excuse for making such a claim?  He claims statistical proof that gay people are more likely to molest children.  Notice how he equates being transgender with being gay, even though they are two completely different things.  According to him all transgender people are homosexuals, and all homosexuals want to molest children.  He goes on to claim that he has God on his side.  This is how he shows that he is a Christian?  He is a member of the LDS Church.

During the argument, he adds more insult to injury.  He says while abuse may not happen, he doesn't want me to influence his child.  He is afraid that I will try to make his child become gay or transgender.  He obviously does not realize that being gay or transgender is not a choice or something that is learned.  I fully believe that it is something people are born with.  I expect that someday there will be full scientific proof to back up this claim.  However these are my personal views.  Out of respect for the wishes of my siblings, I have never said one word about being transgender to any of their children.  Not only that, but I do not even talk about any social issues with their children.  I respect their wishes to not allow their kids to learn about these issues from me.  This is how that respect is returned to me?  Respect is a two way street.  If you expect me to respect your beliefs and opinions, then you should also respect me in the same way.

If this is love from within a family, then I want no part of it.  I do not want to offend anyone who is reading this who has done nothing wrong to me, but I have to express the following thoughts.  It is people like this scum of a man who is married to my sister that cast a bad light on the religious community as a whole.  When he makes statements that his opinions are in the name of God, he is representing his religion.  He is saying that God says that all LGBT people are bad and immoral.  I only add this to try to help show why the LGBT community becomes so angry with the religious community.  I fully realize that not all religious people are like this man who has wronged me.

I will not take such a terrible and baseless accusation lying down.  I will not allow such horrible and untrue things to be said about me.  I will stand up, and defend my good name.  I am a good person.  I try my best to show kindness and respect to all people.  I do not want to judge anyone, as I do not like to be judged myself.  I know that I am right to live an authentic life.  I will not allow anyone to tear me down.  If you are not willing to accept me for who I am, then you have no place in my life.  That may be a blunt statement, but I will not allow myself to be surrounded by people who only want to tear me down.  I deserve to live a happy life, and I will do just that.

In closing, this man is dead to me.  I told him as much last night.  I told him that he is no longer welcome in my life at all.  I will move forward, and leave him in the past.  He is nothing more than a memory to me now.  I have two music videos to share that I have dedicated to this despicable man.  If you are offended by cussing, I suggest you do not watch the videos.  Thank you for taking the time to read this blog.  Getting this out helps me to release the anger I have felt from the situation.  I will now focus on leaving it in the past as I move on with my life.

-Katie Marie

Don't call me Mister!!

Well this update is probably overdue.  Life gets crazy and hectic sometimes.  After everything I went through during June looking for a place to live and new roommates, I ended up back where I least wanted to be.  I moved back in with my parents in stupid far-away-from-everything-in-SLC Riverton.  I reached the day before the final day of my lease, and still had no place to live, and decided it was best to not rush into anything.  I hope to not be living with parents for too long.  I am however taking advantage of having no rent or utilities to pay for as long a I am here.  I just hope I can find a good roommate situation for when I decide to move out again.

Now I have to rant a bit.  I am so tired of my family flinging insults at me.  I can accept that they choose not to support me being transgender, but is it really too much to ask for some kindness and civility?  My mom insists on heavily emphasizing the male pronouns when speaking to or about me.  One of my sisters has also taken to doing the same.  It is very insulting.

Here's an example of a recent incident.  I was playing with the niece who belongs to my oldest sister.  I wasn't doing anything different from any other time when I play with her.  My niece tells everyone to go away, and tries to push them away.  It's a game to her.  Well on this occasion my other sister who was babysitting decided to hit me with "stop it, you're scaring her with your long hair."  WHAT???!!!  Are you serious??  What kind of stupid remark is that?  Keep in mind I started growing my hair out before this niece was even born, so all she knows is my long hair.  As if that wasn't bad enough, she decided to insult me further as I walked away.  She said "UNCLE Jason" with extra emphasis on the Uncle part.  GRRR!!!!

I understand that I am still presenting as a male, and that I still need to be a male to the nieces and nephew.  However there is no need to insult me by placing emphasis on the male pronouns.  They have to know that I would find it insulting.  It is just plain rude for them to continue doing it.  My family seriously has to wonder why I didn't come around much during the 13 months I wasn't living here?  Why in the world would I want to spend time with people who insult me?

Okay I'm dong ranting.  I will do what I need to in order to move out on my own again very soon.  This will just be a minor speed bump in my journey into womanhood,  Although a speed bump with the benefit of allowing me to improve my financial situation to help with the costs of transition.

-Katie Marie

I finally have a place to live with new roommates!!!!

Well that didn't take long for something good to happen after I posted my ranty blog.  I received notification that I have been selected to move in to a new place.  Now that it is finally confirmed, I can share the details.

I will be moving into a house located in the lower avenues, right by Downtown SLC.  It is on First Avenue.  In order to protect my privacy, I won't give the exact address here.  I will share that in private with people who want to know.  It is a nice older house, with a lot of vintage charm.  There are two fireplaces with immaculate mantles.  There are four girls living there who will be my new roommates.  The only downside is that there is only one full bathroom.  As scary as that sounds, I don't think it will be an issue.

I am planning to move in this Saturday.  I would love to have all the help I can get.  If you'd like to help with the move, just let me know.  I am happy now!!!

-Katie Marie

Discrimination SUCKS!!!!!!!

I'll warn you now, there will be much complaining in this blog.

Just like the title says, discrimination sucks!!!  As many reading this may know, I have been looking for a new roommate pretty much all month long.  Here I sit one week away from the day I need to be out of my current apartment, and still have not found a new roommate or place to live.  I have contacted over 70 people in response to Craigslist ads posted by people seeking roommates.  How many responses have I received?  Less than 10.

Now I am being upfront with everyone I contact, and telling them that I am transgender.  I have no way of knowing why people aren't responding, but it sure feels a lot like discrimination.  I have even had some people tell me they aren't comfortable with me being transgender.  This is discrimination.  Plain and simple.  It sucks!!  I hate it!!  It's getting me so upset.  Judgmental people really suck.

I'm done ranting for now.  Maybe someday people will understand that transgender people are nothing to be afraid of.

I'm Not Okay!!!!!

"I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)"


"I'm Not Okay" - My Chemical Romance


Well the song isn't a complete fit, but that part at least fits my mood today.  Read on to find out why.


If you read my last blog, I reported that I had found a roommate.  Well guess I was wrong.  The girl who I thought would be my awesome new roommate has screwed me over.  Today she emailed me with "bad news".  She is moving to California in the middle of July.  WHAT???!!!!!  How does someone go from a long term commitment to stay in the house I am about to rent in on Sunday to moving to California by Thursday?  It makes no sense.  I don't see how such a thing could have just come so spontaneously after I was told otherwise.  It just doesn't add up for me.  If it was even a remote possibility at the time she met with me, she should have told me then.  I am very upset with the whole situation.


Why do I have such horrible luck with moving and finding roommates?  This is my 3rd attempt, and problems still seem to come up from nowhere.  Am I cursed to encounter all the bad situations that exist?  I just don't get it.


Okay I'm done ranting for now.  My search for a roommate has resumed.  I can now only hope that I will find a good situation where the person won't flake out on me.  My hopes are not very high at this point. 

My search is over!!!

I am so happy and relieved right now!!!  It's not 100% official yet as I still have to go through some red tape, but I have come to an agreement on a new place to live.  I will give the whole story below.

I received a response to one of the 50+ emails I had sent in response to Craigslist ads.  It was from a very friendly girl named Heather who lives in The Avenues.  Now here's the deal I've been looking for a place that is pet free with roommates who don't smoke.  In her first email to me she mentioned that she smokes, and has a cat.  Normally I would have just ended it right there, but decided to give it a chance due to how friendly she was in her email.  That turned out to be an excellent decision.

I went to look at the place and meet with her.  I've never really been in The Avenues except when going to the city cemetery.  It's an older house, probably built in the early 1900s.  It's a charming little house.  After touring the house, I ended up talking with Heather for two hours.  We talked about several different things, and lost all track of time.  We clicked so well.  Oh by the way she only smokes outside, and the cat is clean.  No issues there.  With those being non-issues, and how well we clicked, we agreed on me moving in.  Now all that is left is to clear the red tape over the coming days in order to make it truly official.

I am so glad I kept my mind open enough to allow me to find this great opportunity.  I am really looking forward to making this work out.

-Katie Marie

Search for a roommate and a place to live

It's been nearly 13 months since I finally took the plunge and moved out of my parents' house.  As I signed a 13 month lease at my current apartment, that means the lease will be coming to an end as June comes to a close.  I have conflicted emotions about this.

I will be happy to have a change of scenery and roommates.  My current roommate has been good overall.  There are just a few things that cause us not to work well as roommates beyond our time at this apartment.  We don't have the same idea of what it means to keep the common areas clean.  I feel like I've been the only one to actually do any cleaning in the common areas.  It's especially hard since he has a dog.  The dog contributes quite a bit to the messes.  It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't feel like I was alone in keeping things clean.  Speaking of the dog.  It is my first experience ever living with a dog for an extended period of time.  I have not enjoyed it.  He sheds fur everywhere, creates messes, and is annoying noisy.  He howls and whines anytime my roommate goes anywhere.  Well I don't want to complain too much, so that's probably enough said on this subject.

I am stressing out as more time passes while I still have yet to find a new roommate situation or place to call home.  We now have less than three weeks left in June.  For a brief time I was considering moving back in with my parents to allow me to save some money and pay off some debt.  I decided that was not a good idea, as I really don't feel I'd be able to handle living under the judgmental aura of my family.  Since I came to that conclusion, I have been actively responding to roommate listings on Craigslist.  To date I have sent just over 40 emails in response to listings of interest to me.  In my email I detail the fact that I am transgender, as I definitely want to make sure I go into a situation where that won't be looked down upon or uncomfortable for anyone.  I feel this is scaring a lot of people away before they even bother to reply.  Out of the 40+ emails I have sent, I have received 8 replies.  That's not a very good percentage.  It has made for some frustration in my search.

I am currently still searching, and sending out more emails.  There have been a few promising leads.  The most promising so far currently has me in a wait and see mode.  It is a house located around 1100 S 300 E (approximate address as not to give away the exact location).  I went to look at the place yesterday evening.  I love the location, as it is central and close to everything.  The house is older, but very nice and well kept.  It is occupied by a male (the owner) and two females.  They all seem like great people who could make excellent roommates.  It is a pet, smoke, and drug free environment.  It fits very well with what I'm looking for.  I offered to move in while at the house yesterday.  I am currently waiting while the roommates allow other candidates to see the place.  I received an update today letting me know that they have one other girl going to look at the place tomorrow before they make a decision.  I really do want this place to work out, but am worried by the fact that I have competition.  All I can do is wait, and hope that I have made a good enough impression to be the person selected to take the room.

That about sums up my situation.  I will continue to search, email, and wait.  It's a pattern that will repeat itself until an agreement can be reached on a new place to live.  I hope anyone reading this will send some luck my way so that I will find the situation I desire.  I will post another update when I have anything new to share.  Hopefully it will be the good news that I am the chosen one to move into the house I have detailed in this blog.

-Katie Marie

Introduction

I decided to start an official blog on an actual blog site. So here I am. I'll start with a short introduction. My name is Katie Marie. I am a 28 year old transgender female. I was born with the sex of a man, but my true gender is female. For the time being I am still living full time in "boy mode". I do go out dressed as a female as often as possible. I hope to go full time as a female sometime during this calendar year. I'm sure I will have much more to say on this subject in the future.  This is just a brief introduction to kick off the blog.  I will try to post updates when I have interesting things to share.

-Katie Marie